mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So apparently I’m into choking now
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
