I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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