You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
