he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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