You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize