remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
