Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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