I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
