I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
