my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Randomize
