Please, let me fuck your mom
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
