I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
