So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize