If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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