Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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