Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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