I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
