The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
