she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize