I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
