If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
