his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
