Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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