i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
