She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
