you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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