can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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