This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
