onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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