T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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