What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
