he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
