You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
