no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
