you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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