She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
