Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
