Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize