What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
