Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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