so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
