its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
