Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
