My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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