it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
