Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
