I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
