i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize