how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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