It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
