Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
