Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The Olympian is in my bed
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
