after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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