My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
