we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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