THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize