When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
