i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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